On setting boundaries and feeling like life is more awesome as a result

Lately I keep thinking about setting boundaries. So many people hate doing it, or feel like they don't have the right.

The formidable Alison Green has a good post up about how to set boundaries with an amorous coworker who can't take a hint:

Additionally, when he offers to walk you to your car, say, “No, thank you, I’m fine.” If he insists, then you need to get firmer — “No. I’m fine.” And you say this in a serious tone — not smiling, not lightening your tone. People (especially women) often try to lighten their “no” because they feel rude. But if someone is showing you that he’s not hearing or respecting your no, then you need to be much more clear, and that means risking offending the person, because your right to assert your own boundaries needs to trump your desire to be nice.

And when he lingers at your desk and disengaging isn’t getting the point across, be direct: “Bob, I need to work. Please don’t stand there.”

Frankly, you also might need to stop driving him and your other coworker home after work, at least until you’ve re-built the boundary there.

Take note - this response does not involve agonizing, flailing, castigating yourself for being insensitive, telling all of your friends, feeling furious, feeling guilty for feeling furious, saying vaguely upset things on Facebook, or writing apocalyptic Tweets to your locked account. It's so important to know how to address a problem like she describes above - logically, calmly, while taking your own needs into the equation. Reacting firmly when someone crosses a line. Dialing down the drama, in other words.

And Captain Awkward has a wonderful post up about setting boundaries at work and troubleshooting the process. This bit is how to deal with the "wounded innocence" of people who are being called out on inappropriate behavior, when it's been making you uncomfortable but you haven't said anything.

When you enforce a boundary you haven’t set before, even well-meaning people can get really weird about it. Sometimes they get embarrassed about their own behavior and take it out on you for making them uncomfortable. They see calling them out as a hostile act on your part, when actually, asking someone calmly and directly to stop doing an offensive thing is the most professional and chill way you can behave. You might get some version of the “But you didn’t say anything before, so it was okay before, so I thought we had an unspoken agreement that it would always be okay and now you’re ruining everything by changing the rules on me!” defense. If you get sucked into this logic, you start thinking that only boundaries that are set perfectly from the very beginning of a relationship count, which is, frankly, the stinky poop of of a cow and I have no patience for it.

She is great. I especially love how she pointed out the crazy thinking of "you're not allowed to set a new boundary once I've established a pattern of behavior". (It also reminded me of Scarleteen's page on sexual consent. This talk of "boundaries" has a HUUUUGE application in romantic relationships.)

Luckily, most people can take a bit of criticism or boundary-setting without melting down. (The ones who can't, I think, usually have problems setting boundaries themselves.) It's momentarily uncomfortable, sure, but the feeling of emotional health and security that you get from having your needs met is like a Jacuzzi and a double-shot of espresso. Everyone else's lives improve too. Nobody is stuck waiting in the deadly emotional bus station of "I know something's wrong, but I don't know what, and I don't want to ask."

Emotional agency! It is for everyone! It is like sunshine, or air, or how health care ought to be.